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While it’s perfectly normal to want to get to know the person you just started dating, there’s certainly such thing as too much information too quickly.
While we’ve heard the terms “trauma-dumping” and “oversharing” before, the latest dating term that’s popular with Gen Z is “floodlighting,” which is when someone overshares deeply personal details about themselves early on in the dating stage to avoid feeling vulnerable later down the line.
Essentially, signs of this toxic trait include someone front-lining an inappropriate amount of their personal information (like talking about ex’s, traumatic events in their life, etc.) to create intimacy and closeness before those things have been healthily established with the person they’re dating over time.
Who Coined ‘floodlighting’?
Psychologist and University of Houston professor Dr. Brené Brown, coined the term “floodlighting,” which is inspired by the ways that an actual floodlight shines and bright light on something, basically meaning that someone brings visibility to their personal trauma too soon.
In “The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections and Courage,” Brown described floodlighting as a behavior that people use to protect themselves from vulnerability.
“We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear,” she wrote, explaining that people who do this often have a confirmation bias, meaning the floodlighter is looking for the person they’re dating to confirm their negative internal beliefs about themselves.
How To Detect ‘floodlighting’
Whether you’re on the receiving end of this toxic trait or the one doing it, there are ways to detect when floodlighting is afoot.
- Immediately oversharing personal information: This is probably the most obvious sign but some people still manage to miss it. On a first, second and even third date, there should be more general bonding rather than going through every heartbreak, betrayal, itch or addiction you’ve ever had.
- Expecting instant emotional intimacy: Forming an emotional bond with someone takes time, gradual openness and vulnerability, forcing that connection can be a huge red flag because it may seem like test for the other person to be able to handle someone else’s emotional baggage, flaws and past all on the spot.
- Seeking instant validation or sympathy: Dating someone new should never lead to an invitation to join their pity party or reassuring them that they’re good enough. While there’s nothing wrong with uplifting someone, things can take an off-putting turn when someone is expecting reassurance regarding whatever their personal insecurities/traumas are on the first few dates.
How To Avoid ‘Floodlighting’
While floodlighting is definitely a red flag for many, it may be easier to accidentally do it than people realize. After all, sometimes we get a little carried away with sharing, especially if we feel nervous about dating someone new.
With that said, there are some ways to ensure we’re mindful about what we say and how much personal information we dish out right out the gates.
- Take things slow: Sometimes it’s tempting to go full speed ahead with someone we’re dating because we’re afraid they won’t accept all of our personal baggage later down the line, but in order to form a stronger relationship with that person, it’s important to build gradual trust. These means both people sharing things about themselves over a course of weeks, months or even years.
- Avoid overthinking: Too often, we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to overthinking and overanalyzing each and every interaction with the person we’re dating. Our insecurities can make us feel extra pressure when dating, especially in the early stages. However, it’s key to check in with ourselves to understand how we’re feeling and if we need address underlying issues making us feel self-conscious.
- Don’t be afraid of therapy: There’s no shame in speaking to a psychiatric professional if oversharing is becoming a true hindrance in your dating life. After all, dating should be an enriching opportunity to get to know a new person and see if there’s a genuine connection. If it’s feeling overwhelmingly stressful, speaking with a professional may help alleviate concerns.
Finally, remember, nothing in dating or relationships in general is an absolute. Everyone is different and it’s key to seek to understand our own unique needs.
